When She's Gone
by ancientmaverick
Summary: Missing scene from Heroes. Daniel does a little contemplating on Janet's death. First posted fic, please R&R. Rating up just in case.


He had lost his watch.

He hadn't even noticed until he was sitting in the locker room, hours after returning through the Stargate. In the chaos of the infirmary and the debriefing, he hadn't really cared, but now that he was sitting alone in the dark of the locker room, it was all he could think about.

He knew he was trying to put off the memories, the inability to draw a deep breath - he was numb to all of that, numb to everything except the fact that he had lost his $10 watch on that planet.

Where Janet had died.

He shut his eyes, trying to hold back the image of a staff blast searing past him. It had hurt his eyes, and he had blinked, only for a moment, but it was enough. When his eyes opened again, Janet was lying before him; her eyes open to the sky, but seeing nothing. He had rushed over, not hearing the frantic questions from the man Janet had been trying to save. He had taken her in his arms, willing it to be a dream.

But it wasn't.

There was no time to dwell on the fact that the woman he had loved was dead. The Jaffa had been pushed back, and Daniel had even more to think about when he heard the report that Jack had been injured. He had picked up Janet's body and run after the stretcher, focusing only on placing his feet carefully, so as not to drop his precious cargo. They had barely made it to the Gate, and he had collapsed as soon as he made it back to the SGC.

Janet had been taken from him then, and Daniel was left to explain to General Hammond why things had gone so horribly. Sam had disappeared for a short time, and when she showed up for the briefing, there were red streaks in her eyes. The General had relented then, and gave them all 24 hours to collect themselves. Daniel had headed straight for the infirmary, just in time to give Jack's hand a brief squeeze before he headed into surgery.

He had glanced around then, and it suddenly hit him that the infirmary was no longer _her_ domain. All of his stays in the infirmary flashed in his mind - her tireless care for him and his team, her annoyed expression every time Jack called her a "Napoleonic power-monger", collecting her winnings from the "Which team will get into trouble first this week?" poll.

Her heartbroken expression when Daniel had walked into the infirmary with a lethal dose of radiation.

He hadn't been able to stay there. It had occurred to him that he looked like shit, and he had headed for the locker room. Now that he was here, though, he couldn't bring himself to wash away the pain of that day.

He thought back to the day he first realized he loved Janet. It had been just after he lost Shau're, and then Kyra. Janet had been an angel then, letting him talk about his dead wife, and giving him hope that things would be different someday.

He had twisted his ankle on some planet with a lot of trees a month later, just a minor injury, but Janet had made him her top priority. She had joked around with him and Jack, but when Jack had left, Janet had let the façade slip a little. She had stared into his blue eyes, and softly asked him why he made her worry so much. He hadn't known what to say, and the moment had passed, but two weeks later, they went out for drinks, and a few days after that, dinner and a movie.

A month later, they had made love for the first time. It was Christmas Eve, and everyone had gone to Daniel's house to exchange gifts and have a party. After a long evening, it was just Janet and Daniel. They sat in front of the fire, reliving the best moments of the past year. After a time, they had stopped talking, and Janet had snuggled in Daniel's arms. It was a perfect moment, made even more so when Janet suddenly turned and kissed Daniel full on the lips.

That entire night had been perfect.

Daniel sighed. He and Janet were together for almost two years. People in the SGC suspected, but they were very discreet, and since Daniel was a civilian, there wasn't much the military could do about it anyway. Daniel had even contemplated asking her to marry him, but before he could pop the question, disaster had occurred, and there he was, staring into her horrified eyes as he explained that she couldn't heal him this time. After so many injuries, he was about to die because he had tried to save a planet that didn't want his help.

Janet had assumed a professional mask, barely flinching as Daniel's skin slowly melted from his body. She stayed with him through all hours, even when he was barely conscious. She still had hope, that the Tok'ra would be able to heal him, or that they would find a sarcophagus.

But Daniel knew. He had known from the moment he saw Oma Desala that he would have to say goodbye to Janet. It was one of the hardest things he had ever had to do, but Oma's offer of ascension had been too great to pass up. He knew Janet would fight it, but there was nothing she could do.

When he had come back a year later and regained most of his memories, he realized that Janet had changed. She had accepted his death, and moved on, but she had also never forgiven him for leaving her. They had resumed their professional relationship, but any personal relationship was long dead, and they began seeing other people. Daniel knew he had lost something wonderful, and he knew that it was his fault.

Janet had always been one of the constants in his universe. She was always there to treat an injury, or to listen when he needed to blow off steam. She was one of the most caring people he had ever known. He had never stopped loving her.

And now she was gone.

He sighed again, and began pulling off his vest. The locker room would soon fill up with people again, and he knew he couldn't sit there forever. Maybe later he would go to the infirmary, when it was quieter, to remember…and to grieve.

He hung the vest on a peg, but it slipped off. As he bent to pick it up, he saw a glint from a half-open pocket, and reached inside.

It was his watch.

He stared at it for a moment, and then his face broke into a sad grin. His world was still far from perfect. He knew that there would be days ahead when he would sit in the infirmary, grieving for Janet. There would always be more pain.

But the world wasn't over yet. He leaned down, picked up his watch, and set it in his locker. Jack would be coming out of surgery soon, and he wanted to check on Simon Wells.

He shut his locker, and left.


End file.
